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Frenemies, what up with them?

I thought it would be an appropriate time to bring up the concept of frenemies in honor of it almost being Spring - high time for spring cleaning! The more years around the sun I complete, the more evident it becomes that some of my so-called “friends”, do not have the best of intentions. What up with them?

Who would want a frenemy? Until recently I prided myself on not having any; then I realized I had a few. We will focus on one of each gender – keeping it all in the family! Equal opportunity back-stabbing!

Frenemy #1: Brian*

Brian is a douchebag. Brian is the guy who only talks to you when he wants something you have, wants something from you, or needs you to perform a task he can’t get anyone else to do. Brian is such a frenemy.

Brian’s sexuality is questionable and his motives are just as blurry. We started out dating since we were attracted to one another. Then it became painfully clear that there was something seriously wrong with this individual’s mind. For instance, whenever the conversation got deeper than “What did you eat for breakfast?” Brian could no longer handle speaking English. Brian started speaking in *Mongolian, a language he knew I did not understand. REALLY. I do not know how he knew this language considering he was definitely NOT Mongolian. Whenever I asked how he learned the language, he retreated further into Mongolian.

I found this alluring and sort of cute in the beginning, cute in a bizarre way. As time went on this weird defense mechanism Brian seemed to pull out when things got “heavy”, not only confused me, but entirely turned me off. How could a 24 year old be unable to articulate thoughts and feelings? Oh and then there was the fact that he completely “forgot” to show up on my birthday last year. #later.

Why am I still friends with this person? What an excellent question. I’m not, not really. It’s the type of friendship that consists of a random text every 3-4 weeks. Needless to say we have had our rocky moments, but we have also had some great times. So great, that I let bilingual Brian with the questionable sexuality spend a good month enticing me to be his roommate for our senior of college. WTF? Side note: This didn’t happen.

To say this individual has no idea who he is would be entirely accurate. Brian constantly criticizes my clothing sense (whatever, shut up) the people I hang with and my overall demeanor. I realize he does this because he is so unsure of who he is and what he wants. His self-absorption runs so deep that he has no idea how to show compassion for other people. I eventually learned to not take anything he says seriously. I know he cares for me but I also have to expect that his sharp tongue will emerge and when it does, I need to chop it off. Most recently, he offered to pay me handsomely for an article of clothing he once let me borrow(?) Who the hell pays their friends to return clothing? Whatever, I’ll take $200.

Frenemy #2: Allison*

Allison is a different type of frenemy, the type that is not as blatant and direct as the aforementioned Brian. Allison is a girl frenemy. This means she is conniving, thinks things through (or doesn’t). Either way all of her moves are calculated. Allison is a good time, but that’s about all she is. Allison has little to no ambition to improve her life and tries her best to hold you back from accomplishing anything in yours. Allison is the type of girl who complains about everything, takes no responsibility, and thinks a 6-pack is the most attractive thing about a man’s personality. Yes I said personality. Allison is the shallow woman that has no idea that she’s shallow. In fact, she thinks she’s intelligent, deep and personal – which she will tell anyone– just ask her. But let’s be honest, if you say something repeatedly -– does that make it any more true? Allison craves attention, from just about everyone (but especially men.) This need for constant affirmation  is so strong that she is willing to lie, cheat, sell-out, or back stab any of her friends in order to achieve this goal. Sound like high school? Well she’s 25.

“Don’t be afraid of enemies that attack you, be afraid of friends that flatter you.” This is the ultimate tagline for Allison. I’ve spent more nights waiting alone in the cold for Allison, only to realize that she would never come. She must have been too busy and too enthralled with her new boy flavor of the week. Allison has no regard or reverence for deep personal relationships with females. Hello mommy and daddy issues! She fails to see what women can do for her, takes them for granted and quickly starts new friendships as soon as the others end. Nothing to lose. Women like Allison are the most dangerous, and must be avoided at all costs! I feel bad for these individuals and wish I could help them. But I can’t. So please feel free to read about their lives via Facebook/Instagram/Whatever is popular, for these women are complete narcissists who NEED AND CRAVE the attention that is the essence of social media. Cutting these women out of your life will only make you happier. They won’t give you a chance to miss them because they will be all over your newsfeed – I assure you!

P.S. Bye lovers!!! xoxo

*Names/ Languages have been changed to protect the innocent (innocence is a relative term)